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Very Wrong Slash - Hand in (G)Love
The THING that should not BE!

The Elf ½ posting in Very WRONG Slash
User: verywrongslash (posted by elfwreck)
Date: 2007-04-27 22:46
Subject: Hand in (G)Love
Security: Public
Title: Hand in (G)Love
Fandom: TV Commercials
Pairing: Arby's Oven Mitt & Hamburger Helper Hand
Rating: Umm, XW for Extremely Weird. It's hardcore, ummm, glove action. It'd be x-rated, except that there's absolutely no genitalia involved.
Warnings: Fisting, obviously.
Disclaimer: I don't own these. I'm sure their owners would be appalled. (I'm sure my friends are appalled.) This is a parody (or perhaps a travesty); no money is being made from this and I've probably lost the last shreds of respect from people who imagined I had some semblance of dignity or good taste.
Notes: Challenge from eldriwolf, who's been daring me to write this for over a year. A reminder (or a warning) that there is no pair of characters that cannot be slashed.

SUMMARY: Kitchen accessories in heat here. (Already, with the bad puns.)


MITT

It's so rare we have time together. We can't live together, of course; people would talk, and we'd probably both lose our jobs. He's got a morals clause in his contract: wholesome, family-friendly American cooks aren't supposed to be gay. And while I'm allowed to be a bit more wild—it's even encouraged; it's part of the image—I'm not allowed to do anything "detrimental to the public perception of the company." Like having a gay lover. Especially one who works for the competition.

So we sneak around, meet in dimly-lit bars and sleazy motels so far away from mainstream society that neither of us will be recognized. I know it's hard on him, all this cloak-and-dagger, messages in code on the voicemail, "meet me at that place where we saw that thing that time." Sometimes I think he should find himself a nice winter glove and settle down—someone a bit exotic, but who could appreciate his gentle nature and good cooking. Someone who could come home to him every night. But he says he doesn't want that. So I call him whenever I'm in town—I travel a lot; it's what mascots do—and we squeeze a few hours out of our busy schedules, away from our watchful handlers, meeting in obscure, cheap ethnic restaurants where most of the workers don't even have television and probably don't speak enough English to say our names.

* —— * —— *

HAND

He worries too much about me. It's sweet, really, how he frets about the risks I take. He's got so much more to lose—an exciting career, all those pool parties with celebrities, the occasional movie appearance… I'm just a housewife's assistant; even if I lost my corporate sponsorship and the little infomercials, I could find a job in a kitchen somewhere. Gloves like me, we're always welcome; nobody thinks twice about us.

Except him. He cares about me for me, not just whether I can get dinner ready in twenty minutes. He makes me feel special… powerful, in a way. The way he twists when I pinch him at the base of his thumb, the way he groans when I curl my fingers inside him…

Okay, now I'm blushing.

I'm always surprised he lets me take the lead. I'd expect him to be the dominant type, but no. Under all that bluster and attitude he puts on for the camera, he's pretty self-conscious, and a bit inhibited. Or maybe he's just afraid of scaring or hurting me. He shouldn't worry—after all, I'm quite a bit older. I may not run with the fast crowd or get invited to board meetings or exotic parties, but I've seen a lot of alternative lifestyles, a lot of dysfunctional families. I'm not easy to shock.

But I'm glad he lets me take the lead when we're together.

* —— * —— *

MITT

I pick him up a bus stop near a roadside motel. I check in. I'm more comfortable around strangers than he is. He waits in the car while I register us as R. B. Mitt and friend. I scribble something illegible in the second name's space; it's the kind of place where they don't ask for ID if you pay in cash.

I ask for a room facing away from the freeway. We don't like to take even small chances of being seen together. I get the key, go back to the car, drive us to the far end of the parking lot in silence. Too much anticipation; can't talk. I can feel him, so tense he's almost twitching. I'm barely able to drive safely; my thumb keeps slipping on the wheel. I slam the brakes to park, and in a nervous gesture of gallantry, I rush around to open his door just as he gets his seatbelt open.

He looks up at me, startled. For a moment, he doesn't move. Then he smiles... leans forward... and gently nips the side of my thumb, where I'm reaching out to him. I go still, except for the trembling in my thumb, which I know he feels because now he's licking me, kissing me, alternating between nibbles and pecks and stroking me with his tongue,  right here in the parking lot, anyone could see us (but of course no one's here), anyone could hear me (bite my lip to keep from moaning). He's not even out of the car yet and I'm shaking all over breathing hard and I lean over and to rest my forehead on the roof… and now he laughs, gently, and pulls back, and says, "Let's go get that room."

I nod. I can't talk yet. He steps out of the car, takes the key from me, checks the room number. Then he curls one finger around my thumb (ohgod) and leads me away. He's so shy in public, so bold when we're alone together.

* —— * —— *

HAND

I open the door, turn on the light, and lead him over to the bed. I nudge him to sit, and he does. He looks nervous. He always looks nervous at this point. I reach into my bag… his eyes follow me… I pull out a small can of Crisco and set it on the bedside table. His eyes grow wide.

I've heard there are better lubricants, but this one is discreet. Nobody suspects anything if either of us has Crisco in our packs, and nobody notices if we buy an extra can at the store. I set it down on the nightstand, next to the lamp.

I push him down onto the bed.

His hat rolls off to one side, and he starts to reach for it, but I stop him. With two fingers on the side of his face, I make him look up at me as I lean over him for a kiss, pressing our bodies together. He moans into my mouth. I lower my weight onto him, push him deeper into the mattress.

He writhes beneath me, opens himself as wide as he can. I reach for the Crisco, let him see me take large dollop. He shudders, and nods. I spread it slowly around his opening, caressing, teasing, until he's reading for me; I slide a single finger in first, pressing a bit to the side, the way he likes it… he moans. I love hearing him moan.

I press in with two fingers, and then three. It's hard to control myself now; he's shaking so much; I'm afraid I'll tear something. But he likes it this way—hard, heavy, me pressing all four fingers in and spreading them a bit so he feels completely filled, completely owned. He's grunting now, incoherent guttural sounds that mean he's very close. I'm breathing in short gasps, panting as I thrust my fingers into him, again and again, and he pushes against me.

We're locked in a race to completion, each of us trying to push the other over the edge first, but I'm dominant here… I stroke him inside, just at that spot where his thumb branches off, and he shrieks, tries to rise off the bed but I'm holding him down, and he shudders in absolute ecstasy while I hold him, while I soften my touches until they are gentle again and he's utterly relaxed.

I'm still waiting, and he knows that, knows what comes next. I put the tip of my thumb in his mouth. "Suck it," I whisper. His tongue darts out, caresses the tip, and I close my eyes. He licks me firmly, tries to swallow me down, works me with tongue and lips harder and faster (it doesn't take long; I'm so close) until I cry out, go rigid and still while he moans around my thickness and sucks me hard. I think I black out. When I next notice him, he's leaning up, nibbling the edge of my thumb, and I'm lying palm-down on the bed.

I turn to face him, and smile. He smiles back. I lean up into him, embracing him with my whole body. He closes his eyes, relaxes into my grip. We lie there on the bed, holding hands, until we fall asleep.
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Taira
User: taira602
Date: 2007-04-28 06:47 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Ahhh nice, that was delightly weird and creative. But I have no idea what you're talking about, commercial-wise. Do you like, have a youtube link to said commercial? I must know of the subtext that creates this pairing.
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kynn
User: kynn
Date: 2007-04-28 14:16 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)


There's the two stars!

Read about Mitt and Hand on the TV Acres site.
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Taira
User: taira602
Date: 2007-04-29 06:25 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
And they might just be "distant cousins" no less! *hackcough* I'm so glad there's a site devoted to the history of obscure stuff like this.

Also: the oven mitt is a "bastard love child of the Hamburger Helper hand and Grimace from Mickey D's" Hahahahaha. Um.
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The Elf ½: AttentionWhore
User: elfwreck
Date: 2007-04-28 14:24 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:AttentionWhore
There's no single commercial with any subtext. At the time I started this, I hadn't seen any Hamburger Helper commercials for many years. (They've come back. I'm... appalled, I think.)

One of the original HH commercials, and a more modern interpretation from MadTV.

Can't find any Arby's mitt commercials.
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Taira
User: taira602
Date: 2007-04-29 06:14 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Wow, that was like hilarious and and disturbing. My roommate is quite scared of the Mad TV one, lol.
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firefly_124
User: firefly124
Date: 2007-04-28 09:56 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'm not sure if 6am is a foolish time to try to read this, or the only time I could manage it without my brain going kerplooey. Very amusing, at any rate!
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Mistress of Squick
User: tripperfunster
Date: 2007-04-28 13:01 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
OMG you totally PWNed me with that!

Funny, touching, well written and SO FUCKING WRONG! A freind linked me here, thinking perhaps, that we had been separated at birth but no, you are a demi-god, and I, a mere mortal.

Too funny! Thanks so much for writing that!!
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The Elf ½: AttentionWhore
User: elfwreck
Date: 2007-04-28 14:38 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:AttentionWhore
Thank you; thank you; my demigoddesshood is best celebrated at shrines decorated with rainbow glitter and offerings of dark mint chocolate.

This was too much fun to write. That is, when I managed to stop being horrified long enough to work on it.
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Jess Faraday: velveeta
User: jess_faraday
Date: 2007-04-28 13:22 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:velveeta
This is so wrong it's right. I'm never going to look at the grocery store shelves the same way again.
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The Elf ½: AttentionWhore
User: elfwreck
Date: 2007-04-28 15:05 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:AttentionWhore
Wait'll I get around to writing that Rice Krispies threesome.
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Renee Maris: Harley
User: reneemaris
Date: 2007-04-29 02:42 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Harley
Oh, Snap!
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rubynye: Bart Endorsed (paigedayspring)
User: rubynye
Date: 2007-04-28 14:02 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Bart Endorsed (paigedayspring)
What else can I give this but a big Thumbs Up?
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gloredhel04: smile!
User: gloredhel04
Date: 2007-04-28 16:24 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:smile!
I wanted to have your babies when Hand brought out the Crisco. Pure genius.
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The Elf ½: AttentionWhore
User: elfwreck
Date: 2007-05-01 08:37 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:AttentionWhore
Well, what else would they use? (No, wait... don't answer that. If there are other options, I don't want to know.)
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down the hills and round the bends: j'aime le slash
User: norton_gale
Date: 2007-04-28 18:48 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:j'aime le slash
LOL at the idea of these two driving a car, signing a motel register, Hand's experience with dysfunctional families, and the hot hand-in-mitt action! And of course, no one notices if a couple of kitchen helpers buy a few cans of Crisco. Too funny. :)
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DarthHelloKitty: TW No Hand Porn
User: darthhellokitty
Date: 2007-04-29 19:48 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:TW No Hand Porn
I hate when I get excited from stuff like that.
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The Elf ½: Slash - I hate everyone
User: elfwreck
Date: 2007-05-01 08:43 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Slash - I hate everyone
It was disturbing to write, too. And it brings the even more disturbing notion that this means there is probably no couple I can't imagine slashing. Forget Legolas/Aragorn; I may try for Fangorn/Jolly Green Giant.

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aliciamasters: bouncy castle
User: aliciamasters
Date: 2007-04-30 01:37 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:bouncy castle
Just what I needed today! Crazy, quirky, and absolutely SATISFYING.
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The Elf ½: AttentionWhore
User: elfwreck
Date: 2007-05-01 08:44 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:AttentionWhore
Thank you. Glad to know I made your day a little more surreal.
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The Absent-Minded Storyteller: cartoon WTF?
User: dedra
Date: 2007-04-30 05:37 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:cartoon WTF?
So. Wrong.

Must. Put. In. Memories.

Must share with girlfriend.

You had me at Crisco...*sobs*
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The Elf ½: AttentionWhore
User: elfwreck
Date: 2007-05-01 09:02 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:AttentionWhore
I now have a problem... dozens of tv commercial characters are clamoring at the back of my head saying "when's MY turn?"

Someday I'm gonna have to write the cereal mascot orgy.
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User: accio_yossarian
Date: 2007-04-30 21:10 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Here via coffee_n_cream

This was so incredibly wrong but so incredibly wonderful.

*adds to memories*
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The Elf ½: AttentionWhore
User: elfwreck
Date: 2007-05-01 09:09 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:AttentionWhore
Wheeee! I'm getting rec'd by people I've never heard of!

And your icon is simultaneously artistic, funny, and disturbing.
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User: (Anonymous)
Date: 2007-05-01 16:47 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
ROFLMAO!!! Pure genius! Two thumbs up!
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User: (Anonymous)
Date: 2007-05-10 06:05 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
This had me laughing, grinning, and shuddering with just how very, VERY disturbing it is that it had me laughing and grinning. KUDOS!
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acromantular
User: acromantular
Date: 2007-05-11 01:17 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
o.0

You weren't kidding. Excuse me while I go scrub the Crisco out of my brain.

Nice. ;)
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The Elf ½: AttentionWhore
User: elfwreck
Date: 2007-05-26 15:37 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:AttentionWhore
I keep thinking, "someday, I will write heart-wrenching angsty slash, with H/C themes and a delicate interweaving of social commentary that leaves the reader breathless."

In the meantime, I write this, and try to convince myself it's angsty H/C slash with social commentary. Some days, my brain needs to be taken out and shot.
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D.B. Myrrha
User: dbmyrrha
Date: 2007-05-23 00:47 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
LOL! That was awesome. :)
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firefly_124
User: firefly124
Date: 2008-07-06 03:16 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Have you seen this illustration yet?
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ubiquirk
User: ubiquirk
Date: 2008-07-06 17:02 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
This is freaking hilarious! Fave bits:

Thumb foreplay in the parking lot.

The role-reversal in the bedroom.

He cares about me for me, not just whether I can get dinner ready in twenty minutes.

I've heard there are better lubricants, but this one is discreet. Nobody suspects anything if either of us has Crisco in our packs, and nobody notices if we buy an extra can at the store.

Thanks!


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I'm an Honorary Canadian. I have proof!
User: camshaft22
Date: 2010-12-24 03:25 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
It's so wrong it's right. Made of win.
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lucianwolf
User: lucianwolf
Date: 2011-01-17 02:57 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
This is so perfect and hot and so, so right. Thank you!
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